I Will Go to Him, but he will not return to me.

This will be my first blog entry on our family page. Heidi had set this thing up two years ago as a way to inform and publish the current events of our family. To be honest it was out of our character to do this, but due to the family that the both of us have out of state we thought of this as a way of allowing the people we love to be involved in our family's most valued "gifts"; our children. With that being said the reason I was moved to write this entry was for several reasons. One, that I wanted to publicly talk about the miscarriage of our third baby. Two, I wanted to theologically be able to explain this to the people that read this. Third, my wife pours herself out into the ministry of motherhood and this is a weighty topic for her, so I wanted to take the role of blogger.

I titled the entry from a passage from 2 Samuel 12:23. This passage of scripture is quoted from King David after loosing his son seven days after his birth. In its context David's son was born Ill and had just spent 7 days crying and fasting for his son. After his son had died, David cleaned himself up and went to worship God. David's men were confused and did not understand why David was so quickly ready to live again. David's full response was in verse 22 was "while the child was still alive, I fasted and wept. I thought, "who knows? The LORD may be gracious to me and let the child live."But now that he is dead, why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him, but he will not return to me."

I chose this passage to lead the direction of this post because it is so deeply rich. Personally, Heidi and I both experienced this and more importantly the theological implications of this are huge. Heidi and I received the news days before the heart dropping reality of the miscarriage that the baby may not be destined for life here with Heidi and I. Days later it came to pass that at 11 weeks along our baby had actaully died at six weeks. Truth be told, God had prepared my heart for the news because he whispered to my heart that the baby was with him. I still prayed that I wasn't hearing this correctly, but when Heidi had called me in tears I new that God had spoken first.

David new what this meant for his son. Quoting David again, " I will go to him". Go where? To where he is lying? To the grave? Where is his son? David new his personal destiny upon death ,which was to be with Christ in heaven. So where is David's son. With Christ in heaven! That's where David is going, so therefore that's where his son will be. I love this. I live because of this. This is the Gospel. The good news of Jesus, right here one thousand years before Jesus pointed right back to the men who had spoken about him.

This is why I said the theological implications of this are huge. David is a clear sinner, but David knew that "salvation comes from the LORD."( Jonah 2:9). David's son could not make a choice for Jesus, therefore the choice had to be made for him. There is no one righteous, not even one; there is no one who understands, no one who seeks God." (Romans 3:10-11)

So what? What does this mean for our baby number three. One detail is that our baby was never born. So what does that mean? "For you created my inmost being, you knit me together in my mother's womb." (psalm 139:13). Scripture makes it clear that God creates every detail about us. Jesus said that every hair on our head is numbered. (Mathew 10:30). I think what drives this home is a verse in Luke 1:14 where God is speaking about John the Baptizer. "He will be filled with the Holy Spirit even from birth." John, not even born yet was "filled with the Holy Spirit". How did this happen? John wasn't sinless. "In sin my mother conceived me." (psalm 51:5) We're all born in sin. So how did John get "filled". God "gave" himself to John.
The gospel is God!!! "For it is by grace you have been saved,through faith-and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God- not by works, so that no one can boast." (Ephesians 2:8-9)
Did you catch it? It is the gift of God. Salvation is not a gift, like a present. It is God himself. Graciously and freely giving himself to us.

I'm gonna drive this sermon text home here. Heidi and I were crushed by the loss of baby number three. We loved the baby for six+ wonderful weeks. Jesus created this life for himself as he creates all life for himself. "All things are created by him and for him."(Colossians 1:16)
Referring back to the original title of the blog, we will have to go to where the baby is because he wont return to us. It's crucial to understand at this point that I am not by any means teaching universalism, meaning we all go to heaven. Jesus spoke of Hell more than anyone in the bible. I think ultimately what the message I wanted to get across to all who will read this is that
our baby's life belongs in the hands of Jesus. There is no difference in being six weeks in the womb or sixty years old. We all are human beings belonging to a sovereign God. God can take our life at any time, because it was his to begin with. God lied down his own life in the person of Jesus, so that in return we may have eternal life.

Thank you for reading this

Clay